Doughy Astronomers at Taco Bell
Cristina: Man, that guy looks a hell of a lot like Carl Sagan, but Bro-i-er. He even has the mock turtleneck and blazer!
Patrick: He's like a Doughy Bro Carl Sagan.
Cristina: You could call him Carl Saggin'.
Post Coital Talking Points
C & P: Good work, team! ::high fives::
C: That was a good game - I mean, good job with that sex
P: Indeed it was
C: I think you earned the title of MVP for your performance
C: And by MVP I mean Most Valuable Penis
P: Most Valuable Penis: Boner Cumsalot
C: Nay, SIR Boner Cumsalot
P: Why does that knighted penis keep playing baseball?!
Cristina: That new Q guy is...pretty hot.
Patrick: I'd agree with that. Well almost, he's just British-hot.
Cristina: Wait, what does that mean?
Patrick: British-hot is always a little weird and lumpy.
A conversation overheard
R: Wait maybe I shouldn't be talking about oral sex so loudly...are there any children around?
G: There's an infant over there but she can't understand anything - you're cool
R: Well she might not be interested right now....but she will be one day
M: Can we PLEASE not talk about infants and oral sex at the same time? THANKS.
S'mores [and I'm sorry]
Cristina: You've got marshmallow stuck to your beard!
Patrick: Ugh, I have a handkerchief somewhere...
Cristina: It kinda looks like you gave the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man cunnilingus
Cristina: Are you more upset that I was talking about oral sex with the Marshmallow Man or that it was because I implied that he was a lady?
Steve: Well he is the Stay Puft MAN
Cristina: Yeah but he doesn't have a dick flopping around, so it's gotta go INSIDE. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters??
Patrick: She does have a point, he is pantsless that entire movie.
Yogurt is good for your poo
Patrick: "Now let me tell you something - I know a thing or two about lady poos" - Jamie Lee Curtis
Cristina: Lady poos smell like blueberries on a musky dew morning.
Patrick: Oh is that right?
Cristina: Yep. Did you know Jamie Lee Curtis is in charge of all the lady poo, ever?
Cristina: If a lady wants to poo they have to submit a written form to Jamie Lee and get the poo authorized, then if she approves she winks and nods in your direction and BAM you are shitting yourself uncontrollably.
Patrick: It sounds very...regulated.
Cristina: Mmhmm. So who's in charge of the man poos?
Patrick: Nobody. It's just straight up anarchy.
Well this devolved quickly
Cristina: I watched Pawn Stars today
Cristina: I am
Patrick: Why...would you apologize to me
Patrick: for that?
Cristina: Because I am
Cristina: your son
Patrick: I am sorry that i - WHAAAA>?!
Cristina: Oh god this is awkward
Patrick: And probably illegal
Cristina: Probably? You mean DEFINITELY
Patrick: Sorry, I meant definitely illegal....probably *awesome*
Cristina: GROSS DAD
Patrick: MM DADS
Cristina: Now them nads
Cristina: and dads
Cristina: Dad nads
Cristina: Meat buffet
Patrick: Meat heeeaven
Patrick: Heavin' meat
Cristina: Meat heaver taint tapper
Patrick: Can we
Cristina: The doctor asked me if I had engaged in any risky sexual behavioral lately.
Patrick: For some reason I hear that and immediately think about having sex while skydiving.
Patrick: Or maybe kissing next to a nuclear reactor.
Cristina: That is some seriously risky sexual behavior.
Have you ever noticed that the face you make while whistling is the *same* face...– Patrick
Keep on Strokin'
Andrew: Man, something smells like maple syrup
Cristina: I can't smell anything
Cristina: Maybe you are going to have a stroke
Cristina: First sign
Andrew: I can hear my grandma whispering
Andrew: "The bananas...the pines"
When you go to London, could you get me a souvenir Eiffel Tower?– Steve
Bones & Bonin'
Cristina: Ah the Xyphoid Process...
Cristina: It's probably the coolest bone in the body
Patrick: I think I am the coolest bone in YOUR body
Cristina: *slow clap*
Cristina: That pug tonight was SO cute. I just want to smash it's face into some potatoes.
Patrick: Um, why?
Cristina: Well y'see it's face is all smashed, so it only seems right to smoosh it into some mashed potatoes.
Cristina: That's how pugs have sex, in a big pile of mashed potatoes.
Patrick: I'm envisioning a giant football field full of mashed potatoes...and of pugs....fucking.
Cristina: Thank you for that.
I cleaned SO many penises today, it was unbelievable– Steve, with the best segue ever.
Andrew: Hey -- question
Andrew: Can you look at something?
Andrew: Over here?
Andrew: When you have a momnet?
Andrew: The webspace for mothers in need of webspace
I’m going to go to Spain over the weekend. So far I’ve learned how...– Jack
Cristina: HomoCop: Part man. Part cop. All homo.
Patrick: Dead or alive you're cumming on me.
Andrew gets a new radio time slot and other dirty...
Cristina: Isn't that 3 hours earlier than your last time slot?
Andrew: It's six hours earlier
Andrew: I had sunday, 6-9am
Cristina: Well damn
Cristina: Hot slot
Cristina: that sounds
Cristina: so dirty
Cristina: I'm sorry
Andrew: "Come and listen to my hot slot!"
Cristina: Cum. index!
Cristina: Cum. index my hot slot
Cristina: I hope you're laughing right now, otherwise this would be really awkward
Andrew: I am
Andrew: People would come to that website
Andrew: and then they'd be like "It's just cumulative indexes and old disco tunes??"
Andrew: and they would find themselves strangely turned on
Cristina: I am going to save this conversation...for the archives
A James Bond Death
Cristina: Can I crush you with my thighs later?
Patrick: (a) How much later
Patrick: (b) What exactly does that involve
Patrick: (c) Yes
5 Fast 5 Furious
Cristina: Do you think they should make a new way to express love now that there is a Fast and Furious 5 coming out? Like it could be
Cristina: Hmm maybe not.
Patrick: You really are something special.
Patrick: I am a lucky dude.
Cristina: So Jen broke up with her boyfriend yesterday.
Zack: Uh oh....two single girls living under one roof. Sounds like trouble.
Cristina: Sounds like I'll be making out with my roommate, 24-7.
Zack: Sounds like cocaine and Mall Madness to me.
Hey man, just cus a guy cries doesn’t mean he’s automatically a...
Glory Days (part deux)
Cristina: You are terrible at everything Justin.
Cristina: I just thought you should know....we......can't be friends.
Justin: Were we friends? I always thought of us as contemporaries.
Cristina: I thought of you as my big brother
Cristina: not blood brothers, but from that program.
Justin: Like I came around because your dad was in jail?
Justin: And I taught you how to play Horse.
Justin: Instead of doing pots.
Cristina: All of this is true.
Justin: And I would say 'don't take pot'.
Cristina: And I would say 'shut up cracka'.
Justin: Yes, you were black, that's correct.
Justin: Ah those were the days...
Cristina: Glory days...of the glory hole.
Justin: It's good form to dress up if you're going out to the glory hole.
Justin: It just makes the whole evening a little bit more magical.
Cristina: Thats why I always wear crotchless panties and pants. But with a *tie*.
Justin: I wear socks and a hat and two monocles.
Cristina: Top hat?
Justin: Beaver hat. Old school.
Justin: Like 1740's old school.
Cristina: God that is so hot and proper at the same time.
Cristina: You were such a good brother to me.
Justin: Yes it was a wonderful slightly inappropriate brother/sisterhood we shared.
Justin: I think of it when I hear 'Glory Days'.
Cristina: I always think of you when I'm at a truck stop bathroom.
Cristina: Which is.....frequent these days.
Justin: I think of you when I'm at the OB-GYN
Justin: that's my new pick-up spot.
Cristina: I thought I saw you picking through the hazardous materials the other day. You haven't changed a bit.
Justin: Look if the stuff is in the dumpster, that means the place is DONE with it and it's public property. Open and shut case.
Cristina: I agree wholeheartedly.
Cristina: OMG...I have to work on Journal of Finance AGAIN. Do you remember that stupid fucking project?
Justin: Jesu Chritos. It won't DIE.
Justin: You should burn them.
Cristina: Sigh.. now I get to edit metadata.
Justin: And by 'edit metadata' you mean 'burn journals'.
Cristina: Yes. Exactly.
Justin: More like 'BURNal of Finance'.
Justin: Eh? If you catch my drift.
Justin: My drift is arson
Justin: is I guess what I'm saying.
Cristina: I don't follow you.
Justin: I am using metaphor to advocate arson.
Cristina: This is confusing.
Justin: OK I think that some of the fault for this confusion lies with me...and I apologize.
Tom: You guys did such a good job on this rush project, the boss is talking about the L word as a reward.
Andrew: Lunch? OOoooo!
Cristina: Can we have a box of kittens instead?
Andrew: But...free lunch!
Cristina: Can we have a box of kittens for lunch?
Triangle move GO
Cristina: Its about that time to get depressed!
Steve: “The longer we dwell on our misfortunes the greater is their power to harm us”. - Voltaire
Cristina: >Stabs self in eye<
Steve: >Performs emergency eye surgery<
Cristina: >Slaps Steve silly<
Steve: >Puts you in a triangle<
Cristina: >Damn it Steve
JCVD Versus the BP Oil Spill
Cristina: OK, if Jean-Claude Van Damme versed the BP oil spill, who would win?
Zack: Van Damme.
Cristina: Are you suuure? I mean that's a lot of oil.
Zack: Yeah it'd be no problem, he would use his special kick.
Zack: And then you'd have to unleash Van Damme at a BP board meeting.
Cristina: Could he use one kick to decapitate all the CEO's in one swipe?
Zack: Of course.
Cristina: I'm imagining him doing the splits on some guys head while using his intensely trained ass muscles to decapitate him.
Zack: And then he'd be holding the splits on the table in the aftermath...with his balls gently tea bagging a hot steaming pile of fresh blood.
Cristina: Man, JCVD is the SHIT.
Jimmying of the Johns
Cristina: Jimmy is not agreeing with my John
Cristina: I think I'm dying
Justin: Yeah my Jimmy is not settling down properly either
Cristina: "They're so quick here!"…famous last words
Justin: So fast you'll freak
Cristina: Your bowels will freak
Justin: Cause they go through you so fast
Cristina: Like a greasy torpedo
Justin: Tastes good but man I am not very comfortable right this second
Cristina: That should be their new slogan.
Justin: SUBS SO FAST YOU'LL SHIT YOUR PANTS.
Cristina: I just laughed out loud
Cristina: Now people will think I'm insane
Justin: Yeah, NOW they'll think that
Cristina: HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
Sarah Palin Would Stab Your Mom If She Could
Jack: The headline for this article reads: "Palin says Obama would ban guns if he could".
Jack: "Palin says Obama would destroy the earth with lasers from his eyes if he could."
Cristina: Let's start a meme...
Jack: How can people just say shit like that?
Jack: "Palin says Obama would donkey punch Mother Theresa if he could."
Cristina: Its an opinion and not a fact, so people can state nonsense all they want.
Cristina: "Palin says Obama would eat your baby for 5 bucks if he could."
Jack: In these economic times I bet he'd do it for a buck.
Cristina: Or even for free if it meant getting votes.
Around the Water Cooler
Cristina: Let's see...should I have a Mountain Dew or Diet Coke with my lunch?
Cristina: Which one is deadlier?
Phil: Well do you want to die by cancer or diabetes?
Cristina: I guess I'll chooooose cancer.
Relationships & Godzilla
Zack: Yeah I love Godzilla, man.
Cristina: Oh I know.
Zack: It's hard-wired in my brain. Like the kids of Rugrats and Reptar.
Zack: Oh man...my ass is hemorrhaging again.
Cristina: I worry...about you sometimes...
Zack: I need to find someone who thinks my anal blood tastes like fermented wine
Zack: Then I'll know they have relationship potential.
Cristina: I have no words. But I wish you the best of luck.
Cristina: Those are hard qualifications for a lady to live up to...
Not masturbating for two days feels like an eternity for a guy. Like say...
Cristina: Wait wait wait...what the hell is Bosco Sauce? What does it taste like?
Zack: Well it tastes like pure man...
Cristina: What does that mean? That it tastes like sweaty dirt with little pieces of hair in it?
Zack: No no - it tastes like a lumberjack chopping up wood. And then he cums on it. But the cum is red.
Cristina: Wait wait, let me get this straight - Bosco Sauce tastes like a lumberjack cumming blood on some chopped wood?
Zack: Yes, exactly. It tastes great with chicken strips. Mmmm Bosco Sauce....
Cristina: I really need to write this down...
Morgan Freeman is the best Narrator
Jack: Yes my child?
Jack: ...sorry, that's my god impression.
Cristina: Haha that is so weird.
Cristina: Zack always says that to me....I must be a good disciple.
Jack: Or he has a better god impression than me.
Cristina: He says it in a southern black woman voice
Cristina: Which really just winds up sounding like...Morgan Freeman.
Cristina: An effeminate Morgan Freeman I guess.
Jack: So like the best narration voice ever?
Cristina: Haha yes...yes it is.
Get this movie made NOW
Cristina: Someone just told me they want to do a "Three Men and Bride" movie. 20 years later.
Zack: Whaaat lol.
Zack: Except wouldn't that girl be a lot older?
Zack: She'd be like getting married at 35 or something.
Zack: lolll that'd be terrible.
Cristina: Steve Guttenberg's schedule was open.
Zack: They should just use CGI to de-age Ted Danson and such
Zack: and then cast a 20 year-old actress
Zack: and set the movie in 1998.
Zack: It could work.
Zack: The tagline could be: "It's a comedy - set in the past - that will make you laugh - your ass...off''
Zack: Three Middle-Aged Men and a Bride.
Cristina: Please write this down.
Cristina: I am dying over here.
Luckily I had lots of coffee and if I had the ability to turn into a wolf right...– Erin
Hot button issues
Cristina: Apparently beer in Britain right now is super cheap. Something like 4 beers for 2 bucks.
Jack: Wow. Yeah that's pretty good... that's cheaper than water.
Jack: Out here in LA beer is stupid expensive in bars.
Jack: Cheap is 4 bucks, regular is 5-9.
Cristina: God...for a pint?
Jack: Yeah... or shitty bottle.
Jack: Well...I like bottles, but like a bottle of bud light or something.
Cristina: Bud light with a twist of lime and a hint of sadness.
Jack: It's got unicorn tears in it.
Cristina: No wonder it's expensive.
Zack: In other news, I banged Kate Gosselin.
Cristina: I'm happy for you
Zack: It felt sort of like pouring rubbing alcohol on my dick
Zack: AKA good
Zack: Really good
Fisting makes the heart grow stronger
Cristina: I want a large southern black woman to fist you. Is that cool?
Zack: on how old she is.
Zack: I like firm muscles, loose tits, and dark chocolate.
Cristina: I love you.